If you can't fix what's broken, make it a golden calf.

In futile retaliation against users that are defecting in frustration, die-hard Twitter fans erected a site dedicated to FailWhale, the bird-borne character that appears whenever Twitter tanks.

Buy merch, add FailWhale on Twitter or join his Facebook group. Get this: the group is marked "consumer product."

When did failure become a commodity?

In response to the madness, Yiying Lu, the original designer of FailWhale, created Eve Whale. The dreamy love interest blows little birds out of her air hole.

Check out the Aquafresh interactive mobile, complete with virtual tooth-brushing games and free teeth cleaning duds.

The only thing that would make it cooler would be if you could step inside a giant mouth and bounce on its big foamy tongue while getting slightly high on a fresh-breath smell.

The American Family Association has convinced Heinz to suppress a Deli Mayo ad that hasn't even appeared on American TV.

The spot features a male couple kissing good-bye. And unlike the trashy Snickers kiss ad, which generated national backlash during Super Bowl 2007, it takes a step toward normalizing the gay family:

Morning sun pours through an ordinary kitchen. Two kids dash downstairs to collect lunch from Mom, who turns out to be a man with a deli cap and a deep Brooklyn accent. Dad, a British businessman, yanks on his jacket and prepares to head out the door, when Mom goes "Hey -- aren't you forgettin' somethin'?"

- Microsoft bought Powerset, which is single-handedly trying to bring "natural search" back into vogue. (Frankly, it shoulda died with Jeeves.)

- Oronjo makes funny with McCain. Meh.

- Guess free wi-fi isn't so popular after all -- or maybe it was just too little too late. Starbucks is cutting 12,000 jobs and closing 600 stores. "At this point, management has decided that 2008 is a wash and to throw in everything but the kitchen sink to get ready for growth in 2009 and beyond," said one analyst. 2008 IS A WASH? We're only HALFWAY THROUGH.

- On Fuzzwich, I found a one-eyed hot-dog shaped man. He grew hair right before my eyes. He had very small pants.

- Riffing off the success of its last macro veggie-message, McDonald's launched a wholesome Happy Meal ad depicting kids working the fields to a cheerful whistle. Then the camera pans out to reveal gardens in the shape of chickens and cows. By Leo Burnett.

- Facebook Ads launched a newsletter. Remember, folks: use keywords, stand out, optimize. Uh, thanks.

Philly's doing this "single-stream recycling" thing, a convenience ploy to make urbanites more earth-friendly.

Single-stream recycling is when you take all recyclable goods and put them in one bin. We've been doing that in Walnut Creek for years. Here's what ends up happening: everyone disregards the rules and starts putting damn-well whatever they please into those bins.

If you've ever wondered what astronauts discuss while floating around doing jack, 72andSunny has the answer: like any other dude at a dive, they're probably talking about TV.

Here are three spots, each of which is for a different Discovery Channel TV show. Guess which promotes what. Answers on AdGabber.

o "I'm gonna go with lunar golf."

o "Y'ever blow up a zeppelin?"

o "Okay, I think we'd call it Money. With an exclamation point. As in 'we're making tons of money,' and 'we're so money at crabfishing'."

One thing I don't get is why the astronauts have Earth for a face. Maybe it's a logo thing. Anyway, it's unsettling.

To promote its Star Trek-caliber bubble-killing beer cans, Foster's gives us Ride the Scuba, where you can leap into a virtual SCUBA tank and pop bloated bubbles.

Enter this email/password to beer SCUBA from your desk: ridethescuba@gmail.com/thankyou. Our connection's pretty slow, so we spent most of our SCUBA time hovering near a Foster's billboard, sort of like dead fish.

The game was put together by the UK's Play. Props to MTLB, who was all, "C'mon, play beer scuba with me, c'monc'monc'mooooon" until we finally said "Fine, but only if we get a peanut tube."