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Volume 7, Issue 23
June 5, 2008

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EDUCATION WORLD PREMIERE HUMOR
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Graduation Speech
by Tom Pettuglia, first selectman, Plutz, Vermont

Superintendent Schwitz, Principal Poliglot, distinguished faculty and guests, parents, and graduands – that is, until just a few minutes from now, when you become graduates. I promise I will not keep you for too long away from that coveted goal.

Today what strikes me as I stand here before you is, in addition to a blazing sun, is the world that is opening before you, of which the sun forms in fact a kind of symbol, emblem, or archetypical metaphor, blazing down upon you on this fine June day with all the glory and power – and untapped energy resources – that bespeak of future struggles and triumphs, defeats, vacations if you get a job that affords you travel to sunny places, although, if you wait long enough with global warming, our sleepy New England hamlet will no doubt play host to year-round beach parties, and even in the winter, unlike the parties many of you students conduct down by the beach in the winter, where you huddle around illegally obtained adult beverages wearing thick parkas and woolen scarves knitted by child labor in Tibet, those global warming beach parties of future winters will be conducted in bathing suits and such-like "summer" – I stress the quotation marks – attire.

Well, that future is upon us, and it will be in your hands. Most of you, this being a middle class or many would like to think an affluent little sleepy hamlet, as I've previously alluded, will be going on to a higher form of education. Not that the education you got here at Nathan Plutz High was anything but a high type of education – indeed, all of us in this community, from me, the first selectman, down to the lower selectmen, and women, and of all races and creeds … but also everyone here – We all respect the high education opportunities given to you by this distinguished faculty and guests. However, it is not too soon to take the reins of this future that is beaming down at you and at me from above in the form of this symbolic sun. Take those reins, put on that sunscreen, seize the diem, or carpe the day, and in your lifetimes, not mine, unless they suddenly advance medical science and keep me alive past the expected … let us call it an expiration date of fate … well, then it is in your hands that those reins will be held, on your foreheads will fall this sun, and it is for you to tap its vast energies, meaning not just of course literally the radiant energy, in terms of solar power and that kind of thing, but also naturally its symbolic, metaphoric, sui generis power and energy of life, liberty, and our free market economy …

Well, what more can there be to say? Thank you, and enjoy the rest of this pompous and circumstantial ceremony!

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