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Volume 7, Issue 21
May 22, 2008
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Real Headlines, Fake Comments
"We specialize in the marginally offensive!"
Real Headline:
Teachers Agree: Firing Bad Teachers Is Tough
Fake Comment:
More than half of teachers believe it's too difficult to weed out ineffective teachers who have tenure, according to this survey. "I'm completely useless," stated one eighth grade gym and biology teacher, who continued, "I'm really so awful that even I am sick of me, but I just can't get rid of myself!"
Real Headline:
Registration Open for Dept. of Ed Summer Workshops
Fake Comment:
Really: WIDE open. Nobody's signed up yet. They're FREE, people! They also give out cookies made by Laura.
Real Headline:
School Uses Electronic Monitoring to Curb Truancy
Fake Comment:
Rather than send chronic truants to juvenile detention, a high school in East Dallas, Texas, is using electronic monitoring devices to make sure students arrive at school on time and remain there throughout the day. Some teachers complain about the constant cell phone noises, and especially, since the job of calling the students has been outsourced to Pakistan, the students are confused about what exactly it is they're being asked. Many, however, have managed to upgrade their parents' insurance policies.
Real Headline:
Teachers Must Prove They Can Teach Reading
Fake Comment:
First step: Reading this article.
Real Headline:
Woman Donates Kidney to Former Teacher
Fake Comment:
"It was a nice gesture," said Mrs. Bonaventure, "Alice always did turn in extra credit work." After a moment's reflection, Bonaventure added, "I think she might have waited until I actually needed a kidney."
Real Headline:
Amount of K-5 Physical Activity Doubles
Fake Comment:
The Oklahoma state senate passed a bill increasing the amount of required physical activity time for students in grades K-5 from 60 minutes a week to 120 minutes a week. The state legislators themselves increased their physical activity from 15 minutes of taking gifts from lobbyists to 25 minutes per week of evading press queries about taking gifts from lobbyists.
Real Headline:
Students Want to Learn With Gaming Technology
Fake Comment:
They most want to learn what the heck Tyler does to always win at Halo. That kid!
Real Headline:
State Weighs Anti-Bulling Law
Fake Comment:
So far, it weighs about six pounds, four ounces.
Real Headline:
Teachers' Risque Online Profiles Pose Dilemma for Schools
Fake Comment:
Some school administrators are wondering what, if anything, they can or should do about racy material some young teachers post on their personal profiles on online social networking sites. At a statewide conference called to address this problem, one speaker reminded the school administrators, "It's OK to look."
Real Headline:
Reading First Not Improving Scores
Fake Comment:
Students enrolled in the $6 billion federal Reading First program are not reading any better than those who don't participate, according to a U.S. government report. The amazing thing, of course, is that it's a U.S. government report!
Real Headline:
Districts Investing in Parent Education
Fake Comment:
Hoping for better luck than they've had with students.
Real Headline:
Report: U.S. Kids' Well-Being Improves
While childhood obesity remains a major problem, the overall well-being of U.S. children between the ages of 6 to 11 is improving, according to a report from the Foundation for Child Development.
Fake Comment:
Free candy comes with the report.
Real Headline:
Schools Make AYP After Reclassifying Students
Over the past two years, 80 California schools were able to make adequate yearly progress (AYP) under the No Child Left Behind Act after changing the racial classification of some of their students.
Fake Comment:
New classifications include "conscientious objector to testing."
Real Headline:
Kids Who Pass Tests May Get More Days Off
The Grand Prairie (Texas) Independent School District is seeking state permission to give students who pass the state tests eight days off from school. Teachers would use those days to tutor students who did not pass.
Fake Comment:
Students taking those days off would use those days to play video games, hang out downtown, and learn all about Doritos and Dr. Pepper… If we're lucky.
Real Headline:
Public Schools Seeking Private Money
Proposed budget cuts in California are prompting schools to seek donations from parents and communities to make up the shortfall. Potential layoff notices have been issued to 20,000 public school employees.
Fake Comment:
Meanwhile, on the other coast, one Wall Street investor made $3.7 billion in 2007 by betting that the housing market would tank. Oh, by the way, this is not a joke.
Real Headline:
Teacher Suspended for Refusing to Give Test
Carl Chew, a science teacher at Nathan Eckstein Middle School in Seattle, has been suspended for two weeks without pay for refusing to administer the Washington Assessment of Student Learning in his classroom.
Fake Comment:
Midnight vigil being held by grateful students.
Real Headline:
Teacher Focuses on Copier Over-Usage to Mark Earth Day
Kenny Luna, a science teacher in North Babylon, New York, is urging schools to reduce the number of photo copies staff members make to help save trees and reduce carbon dioxide emissions.
Fake Comment:
Luna made 3,472 copies of his large-format color poster to inform all of North Babylon of this campaign.
Real Headline:
School Nurse Forms Anti-Smoking Group
School nurse and former smoker Donna Pasko created a SWAT team -- Students Working Against Tobacco -- to educate teens at Palmetto High in Florida about the dangers of smoking.
Fake Comment:
Seniors in the parking lot responded by forming "SoWAT" whose letters don't mean anything but whose motto is, "They'll have a cure for cancer by the time I get it."
Real Headline:
Funding for School Media Centers Lagging
Fake Comment:
Some resource specialists selling ads to the Obama and Clinton campaigns to be run during lab times to help make up the shortfall.
Real Headline:
Teachers Ordered to Turn Over E-Mails Written at School
A circuit court judge ruled that five Wisconsin Rapids School District teachers must turn over the contents of e-mails written while at school.
Fake Comment:
"Pass them up to the front, please, right now, and I mean it," said the Judge.
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