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the ONION America's Finest News Source
 

Atlantic City Cocktail Waitress Crowned In Mistress USA Pageant

Mistress Pageant

TRENTON, NJ—Contestant mistresses were judged by firmness/roundness of breasts, color of hair, willingness to answer to the name "Hazel," and then breasts again.

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Our Dumb World

Russia

Where Russians Are Sent To Die

A vast, sprawling, ramshackle nation where the decaying infrastructure is marred by tank-sized holes, and the entire navy has been capsized since...

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Opinion

Listen, Can You Do Me A Favor And Join The Army?

Army Recruiter

By Sgt. 1st Class Steven L. Hynde
Army Recruiter

Hey, can you do something for me real quick? Could you enlist in the Army? I'm only asking because I was just wondering about it, because it would be great, I think. If you joined the Army. And it...

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MONDAY 04/28/08


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