We were stunned to listen to NY Gov. Eliot Spitzer go on the air and apologize for doing something that obviously upset him and his family. When we then found out that he had allegedly been consorting with a prostitute, some of us were upset, some were angry, some were cynical, "here we go again with yet another politician." We began to ask lots of questions, the answers to which we will probably never know in their entirety. But one question that keeps coming up is:"should his wife forgive him?"
Indeed, that's a tough one to answer. If your spouse cheated on you, would you forgive them? Yes, you would be hurt and yes, you would feel lied to and emotionally devastated, but the question remains: would you forgive them? We look back at President Clinton and we see that, at least as appearances go, his wife Hillary seems to have forgiven him for similar activities during his Presidency. But who really knows for sure? And you could see yourself forgiving a cheating spouse, how much could you trust them in the future? Never? A Little? Could things ever return to the way they were before the cheating?
I believe that Silda should forgive Eliot. Here's why...
First, Forgiveness means "giving up the hope for a different or better yesterday." In other words, yesterday is over, the past is the past, and it will never change. Forgiving means to come to grips with the past, its pain and agony, and to complete that part of our relationship with whoever has hurt us, so that we can move on to a productive, even joyous, tomorrow. If Silda continues to carry the pain of her "yesterdays," they will haunt her forever, and paralyze her from living the life of joy to which she is entitled.
Second, forgiveness is done "for us," not for "them." I would suspect that Silda is one angry woman right now. There is pain in her heart at what Eliot has done. She needs to forgive him "for her sake," not for his. If she is ever going to be able to live her life in any semblance of order and passion, she must remember what Rabbi Harold Kushner once said: "don't give him the power to occupy all your thoughts and actions, he isn't worth it." Forgive him, let the pain begin to dissolve. Eliot's actions have hurt her, but her continuing resentment and inability to forgive will hurt her much more.
Finally, forgiveness must be an action, not a feeling. She should forgive even if she doesn't feel like it. The act comes before the emotion, saying "I forgive him" helps make it a reality.
Does forgiving mean forgetting? Of course not! How could she forget the public humiliation he put her through in front of millions of television viewers? How could ever she forget that he broke their marriage vows, and how could she forget that he lied to her? She will never forget, but she must forgive. Forgiving Eliot will allow Silda to move on in her life, to begin to create a "new normal" for herself and her children, and that's the best revenge possible.
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