Guardian Unlimited

The Backbencher: The Chiltern Hundreds beckon

27 February 2008

Welcome to the Backbencher, guardian.co.uk's weekly insider's guide to
Westminster.

TODAY'S POLITICAL NEWS

Protesters demonstrating against plans for a third runway at Heathrow
airport today staged a demonstration on the roof of the Houses of
Parliament.... The government has published its strategy for moving
benefit claimants into work and forcing drug addicts to seek rehab.
guardian.co.uk/politics ( http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics )

Michael White: "Even the thickos are realising they can't sack Mr
Martin tomorrow. The affair is calming down (
http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/politics/2008/02/michael_whites_political_blog_85.html
)."

PMQs: Andrew Sparrow's minute-by-minute report (
http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/politics/2008/02/prime_ministers_questions_live_12.html
).

WINNERS AND LOSERS

The Backbencher's occasional award for Services to Climbing Down
(sponsor: the Grand Canyon) goes to this magnificent effort by the
Department for Communities and Local Government:

"The Review of Alternatives to Casino-Led Regeneration finds that in
isolation it would be challenging for any alternatives to achieve the
scale of economic benefits that could be secured through a regional
casino, but that there is uncertainty around the extent to which
these benefits are truly additional."

Yeah, right. How can it not be economically beneficial to give some
deadbeats the opportunity to empty the slot machines their neighbours
have just filled? The Backbencher calls that redistribution, plain
and simple. Especially when a slice of the cash goes straight to the
Treasury. Three in a row, or what?

Needless to say, the bail-out package that Manchester is getting won't
be half so exciting as the supermegahypercasino - or "Megas", as the
Backbencher dubbed it - that would have pulled in punters from as far
away as Chester. Instead, Hazel is proposing a new sports centre and
"three new skills academies on skills, facilities management and
digital media." A skills academy on skills? Meta. Really meta.

IT'S UP TO YOU, MR ROBINSON

While we're on the subject of petty cash, the Backbencher would like
to lend her unequivocal support to brave Peter Kilfoyle and his early
day motion DEPLORING the innuendo on Nick Robinson's execrable blog.
It is simply not on for anyone - let alone a journalist - to suggest
that MPs might have ulterior motives for pandering to the Speaker.
She can only imagine the kinds of expenses claim the puffed-up,
profligate, publicly-funded political editor is getting away with -
though she did enjoy a useful lunch with him at the Cinnamon Club
recently for which, as was appropriate, he picked up the bill. If
Robinson wishes to substantiate these insulting imputations, then she
would be delighted to hear them - perhaps over the CC's excellent
value Holi-themed lunch (GBP50 per person).

THE SEVEN-YEAR HITCH

When the estimable Michael Martin asked the Backbencher to pop in for
a chat last week, she wasn't expecting to emerge with a new title.
But it seems - despite a reputation for probity earned over nearly
seven years in the Commons - that a few administrative shortcomings
on her researcher's part have been misconstrued. For the record, her
third residence in Liechtenstein, and the flights she has taken there
over the past year, were entirely legitimate expenses incurred on
behalf of a Liechtenstein constituent seeking asylum in Britain. The
work the Backbencher has done to help this individual - who must
remain anonymous - has been praised by human rights organisations too
numerous to list here. Sadly, her efforts to take up the trusty sword
of British justice in his service have been misinterpreted, and a
party whip has suggested that she should pre-empt any malicious and
inaccurate reporting - and stem the tide of insinuation on various
ill-informed weblogs - by taking on the role of Steward and Bailiff
of the Three Hundreds of Chiltern. These include the towns of
Stoches, Dustenberge and Burneham - three fine places which the
Backbencher is looking forward to stewarding to the very best of her
ability. In the meantime, her constituency affairs will be handled by
an honourable member in whom she has the utmost confidence.

LAST WEEK'S COMPETITION

Thanks to Sandrine Leveque for elucidating David Willetts' thoughts on
vampire bats. "Bats go out hunting nightly and share their catch with
successful and unsuccessful bats alike so that all bats have as much
to eat as each other," she explains. "Do non-dom bats and wealthy
benefactor bats exist in Dave W's happy shiny bat society? I don't
know - let's ask Michael Ashcroft." Now, now, Sandra. Just because
the noble lord chooses to spend some of his time in a Belize batcave
does not mean that he is reluctant to share his blood with winged
mammals at home. Indeed, thanks to the selfless restraint of Belize
bats, he probably has all the more to share with his friends when he
flies home. And really - what kind of voyeur would watch while
Michael distributes his bloody haul? Some things are better done in
private.

ON TV AND RADIO THIS WEEK

Tonight, 11.40pm, BBC1: Primary Colors
The 1998 film with John Travolta as Governor Jack Stanton.

Sunday, 1.30pm, R4: The Price of Peace: Dealing with Gerry
Looking at the negotiations with Sinn Fein before the Good Friday
Agreement.

Sunday, 4pm, R4: Bookclub
James Naughtie and readers ask William Hague about his biography of
Pitt the Younger.

Sunday, 6pm, BBC Parliament: A Marriage Made in Portsmouth
Relive the fraught negotiations that led to the creation of the
Liberal Democrats in 1988. Unless you were David Owen, of course, who
formed a stubborn and short-lived SDP faction that lasted until 1990.
(Here's John Cleese promoting the SDP /Liberal Alliance a year
earlier ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKp7HDv01hk ).)

Monday, 8pm, R4: 1968: Rivers of Blood, The Real Source
Rob Shepherd looks at the language Enoch Powell used in his speech.

Monday, 9pm, BBC4: How To Be a Political Maverick

Tuesday, 8pm, R4: File on 4
Are the rural development agencies up to the job?

Tuesday-Wednesday, 12.30am, BBC4: The Protestant Revolution
Tristram Hunt looks at how Martin Luther's ideas influenced political
thinking.

FINAL READING

Robert Fox: The released documents on the Iraq war will shed some
light but mainly they will reiterate the fact that it was a war of
choice: a very bad choice (
http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/robert_fox/2008/02/the_full_war_story.html
).

Francis Beckett: As long as we are force-fed the idea by government
that education operates in a market, we will have failing schools. We
must change tack (
http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/francis_beckett/2008/02/sink_or_swim.html
).

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The Backbencher: The Chiltern Hundreds beckon