• When Kids Get Squirrelly

From a column by Scott Beck that appeared in the St. Charles (Mo.) Journal, titled: "Remember to teen-proof your home this winter," which Beck wrote by taking a squirrel removal service's advertisement and replacing the word "squirrel" with the word "teen":

"One of the most common teen removal services we provide is for teens in the attic. During certain times of the year, teens will enter homes by chewing their way into your house. Once inside, teens can cause significant damage to your home. Some of the most common forms of damage associated with teen infestation include shredded and damaged insulation, stains from urine and other waste matter, and a pungent odor throughout the home. Of course, the most serious danger of having teens in your home is a fire hazard. Teens are destructive by nature, and like all rodents they chew on wires. ... Teens across the area are constantly getting themselves into trouble. They are mischievous by nature, and fall down chimneys, get stuck in woodstoves and squeeze their way into places they shouldn't be. ... One question we often get is, 'What do you do with the teens after you remove them?' Actually, the teens aren't removed; we just seal your house while they are away so that they cannot return. Once the teens realize they can't get back in, they will go look for a new dwelling. They are quite the resourceful little creatures. One customer put it best when he said, 'The teens are gone, and so are the smells!' Thank you, thank you, thank you!'"

Useless Fact o' the Day
George Washington liked to play marbles.
- Chicago Sun-Times

Lame Joke du Jour
Q: What's red and invisible?
A: No tomatoes.