The Year-End Blowout Sale. - I will summarize all of the discounts and also detail which freebies are included at what particular price points. Read it.
This Week's New DespairWear - I will introduce you to the first entry in a new line of shirts- the Thought-Bubble Tees.
The "Night Before Christmas" Card Pack - It's one of the freebies- but if you want more than 3, you can buy them. I'll tell you how.
Last Week's "Night Before Christmas" Tee - We ran out tees before most of you even received the email. A volley of obscenity-laced emails and phone calls ensued. We'll try to fix it.
Other Assorted Stuff - Wonder what's on my Christmas wishlist? Want to do something nice for the poor souls in the warehouse and call center who are, as a result of this Blowout promotion, going to be physically and psychologically devastated by a tsunami of orders and calls? Here's your chance to give something back to the little people.

Yes, it's finally here- the biggest, baddest sales promotion of the Holiday Season! If you've not yet done your annual Despair shopping, now is the time. If you HAVE done it, well here's your chance to pick up some additional stuff on the cheap for those OTHER cynics, jerks and losers in your workplace or family! So just how big and bad is this promotion? Check it out!

- All DespairWear is $5 off!
- All 12-Month Build-Your-Own-Calendars are $16.95 instead of $19.95!
- All Special-Edition Calendars- which include 4 addition prints of your choosing- are $19.95 instead of $24.95!
- All 4-color mugs are $8.50 instead of $9.95! (It may not seem like much but those things cost us a fortune per unit. Like $2 or something.)

But wait- there's FREEBIES!

- All orders over $20 or more will receive a FREE 3-card pack of our "Night Before Christmas" design.
- All orders over $40 will receive a FREE PESSIMIST'S MUG.
- All orders over $60 will receive a $10 RUST CARD- the Credit Card so exclusive it's only accepted at one establishment- Despair itself!

Wow! What an incredible set of deals! So what's the catch?

Both the discounts and the freebies will only be offered through Thursday at 6PM CST- after which prices will return to their former settings and freebies will no longer be included with orders.

Please also note that FREEBIES do not magically appear in your shopping cart as you add items to it, nor do they appear during the checkout process. This leads many of you to fear that you will not receive your free items, and prompts you to fill up your comments fields during the order process with comments like, "I DON'T SEE THE FREE STUFF SO I'M PASTING IT HERE SO IT WILL BE INCLUDED IN MY ORDER". Then you paste a whole issue of the Wailing List in your comments field- as if that's going to prompt anything other than howls of laughter from the customer disservice department. Spare yourself the indignity by simply trusting us not to forget your free stuff. And remember, the comments fields are expressly for you to tell us how great we are. That's why there are so many of them.

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New DespairWear: Thought-Bubble Tees.

Now They'll Know What You're Really Thinking.

While millions of t-shirt lovers everywhere are looking for tees that are the perfect conversation starter, we've invented the exact opposite- a conversation stopper! Now, rather than endure endless hours of pointless yammering from blowhards at the watercooler, a weekend party, or even a family dinner, you're wearing the perfect escape system. Simply strike a contemplative pose as you look off into the distance, and let your SHIRT do the talking for you! Available HERE.

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The "Night Before Christmas" Notecard Pack

For a Limited-Time Only.

Spend $20 on Despair products before Thursday at 6PM CST and you'll get 3 of these beauties for FREE. But if you want even more- feel free to pick up a 6 pack for only $12.95 right here.

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Last Week's "Night Before Christmas" Tee

It Sold Out Before Most People Even Saw The Email...

The shirt was announced in a late afternoon Wailing List- and promptly sold out before most of our American Wailing List subscribers even read the promotion. In fact, we sold more of these tees in less time than of any other shirt we've ever introduced. Effectively, we gave foreigners first dibs on American products (as some of you were kind enough to point out in the midst of the most obscenity laden emails I've ever received from a non-coworker). That was not the intent.

Addressing this problem is unfortunately complicated, because the Tees themselves are limited-edition. Each will ship with a certificate of authenticity which lists its unique number out of the 1,000 total being produced.

Yet admittedly, some of you folks got really hosed.

To address this issue, we are - for a very limited time - allowing orders to be placed in a Password Protected Blog Post only intended for WAILING LIST SUBSCRIBERS. A small surplus inventory is being generated- which will not include any certificate of authenticity. PLEASE DO NOT SHARE THIS PASSWORD WITH OTHERS. Inevitably, some of you might post the terms of the Year-End Blowout on coupon sites like Slickdeals. If you do this, we ask that you not include this particular password- otherwise we will have to terminate the offer. We do not want to make this shirt available to the public- it is intended only for Wailing List subscribers.

The link is here. The username is "wailinglist" (no quotes) and the password is "leftovers" (no quotes).

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Other Assorted Stuff.

'Tis the Season for Giving Something Back. To Us.

As the author of the Wailing List, I'm can't tell you how many times I've received e-mails that say something to the effect of, "I'm so grateful to you for all that you and Despair have done for me, is there anything I can possibly do to give something back in exchange for all the goodness and light you've brought into my life?"

The reason I can't tell you is because none of you have ever written anything of the sort. When you DO write, it's usually to complain about typographical errors, or to whine about missing out on some earlier discount, or to attempt to finagle the contact info for a male or female DespairWear model. Incredibly, some of you manage to hit the trifecta. Nice!

Nevertheless, I know that in a population of over one-hundred thousand of you, there must be at least a few pockets of decency, a handful of good-hearted and generous souls who joyfully anticipate our newsletter, who find themselves laughing hearty laughs at the steady stream of new products and marketing messages. Who find themselves sympathizing with and perhaps even rooting for the downtrodden underclass here at Despair- those of us that cling desperately to the bottom rungs of the org chart- whether we toil in bowels of marketing, or endure hours of abuse by dissatisfied customers in the call center, or groan under the crush of a never-ending deluge of orders in the warehouse.

It occurred to me last week, as I commiserated with Alex (a longtime warehouse worker) and Mike in the call center, that perhaps we might be able to call upon those pockets of goodness out there amongst you. Even if only one out of a thousand of you actually might have some degree of sympathy, well that's more than a hundred who might actually care to help. And if one in ten of you has disposable income, then over a dozen of you might actually take action- opening your wallets and your hearts and sharing with those of us far less fortunate during this- the Season of Giving.

So I went, notepad in hand, and polled a good number of the working wounded here. I set very modest parameters, limiting price points to $40 or less. And they opened up to me- each of them sharing quickly one thing they secretly longed for but did not expect to receive this holiday season.

In good faith, I now will share those requests you all. I fully expect further annoyed complaints, further grammar corrections, and further attempts to reduce me to some kind of pimp. I will endure them all bravely, trusting that compassion and generosity will still be made manifest. That while most of you look into your own hearts and see only blackness, and many of you who do not see blackness there will find it if you look into your bank accounts, there will still be some who see before them a chance to be a living testimony to the spirit of Christmas itself. And I thank you in advance for your kindness. We all do.

At long last, a Christmas Wishlist for all the little people here at Despair, starting with those who work the hardest, the Warehouse crew:

- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)

And what about the Call Center? While they're job may not be as physically-demanding as the Warehouse work is, it is certainly the most emotionally-wrenching. Consider their longsuffering spirits as you review their modest requests:

- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)
- (Removed by Management.)

Last and perhaps least, your humble narrator has but a single request, and that is for a (Removed by Management.) of my very own. It's not much to ask, I know, and some of you might wonder why I wouldn't seek more. But I've come to expect little, and find the occasional moment of joy in small and simple things.

And at last, I must bring this overly long and not particularly amusing email to a close. Thanks for your endurance. Happy Holidays!