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Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the Night Before Christmas...

The First Limited-Edition Despair Tee. Just in Time for the Holidays.

Only 1,000 will be produced. 750 Men's Tees. 250 Women's Tees. Then the shirt- the first Collectible Tee in DespairWear history- will be removed from our site forever.

"Why?", you ask, "Why would you would pull it? What if it's popular? What if everybody wants it?"

Then we expect to see these being sold on eBay for increasingly shocking prices, making owners of the tee extraordinarily wealthy.

"Then why are you offering it at a discount on your website?", you counter.

The discount lasts through end of day tomorrow- at which point the sale price is eliminated and the speculative buying frenzy begins.

"I've been burned before. I invested several thousand dollars in Beanie Babies in the 90s, after Ty Warner said he was going to discontinue them. He lied. Now they're worthless. Why should I get suckered again?"

Why shouldn't you get suckered again? You're great at it! Marketing people like myself love that part of you!

"Really? You love me? Even though I'm a big-time chump?".

Not "even though". Because.

"I do like that shirt..."

We know you do.

"It would be hilarious to wear to the Christmas party this year..."

Of course it would.

"I wonder if it'll be sold out before I can order it?"

I hope not. But yes, it could.

"Where do I order it?"

Right here.



Free Shipping. Through End-of-Day Tomorrow.

No, It Wasn't A Joke- You Just Didn't Read The Instructions Very Well.

Apparently, a good number of you had some trouble comprehending our Free Shipping promotion- and, rather than invest a few seconds and neurons in some self-directed problem solving, you instead let fly a volley of infuriated emails in reply to the promotion- emails which of course do not reach our Customer Disservice team and instead pile up in the inbox of the hapless writer of the Wailing List, who promptly ignores them. At least, until some of you decided to take it up a notch.

I had brief hopes, early last week, of enjoying something like a normal Despair, Inc. Thanksgiving. As is the long-standing tradition, at the end of the Wednesday workday, employees gather in the conference room to enjoy a beer and a hefty helping of Central Texas'much-maligned-but-really-not-that-bad-meat-within-a-meat, the Turpossum. It gives us a chance for a little fellowship, a moment to reflect on what we're grateful for, what we've accomplished with our lives, and really, an opportunity to try to come to terms with how it's come to this. 

I arrived early, just as they were breaking out bottles of Crazy Ed's Original Cave Creek Chili Beer - "the only beer with a pepper right in the bottle!". I'm not a beer drinker myself, but Derek in the Call Center is what one might delicately call a "Beer Enthusiast(oholic)...". He informed me after a swig,"This is- I swear, for real- this is the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted. Ever." After a resolute nod, he added, "But it is beer. And it is free. So I will drink it." And he did.

I was just beginning to enjoy seconds when Dr. Kersten paid us a visit- this time via video conference from the Executive Thanksgiving dinner being held 200 miles north at the Mansion on Turtle Creek. No sooner had his face filled the screen than he named me by name and down dressed me for what he called the "confusingly written" free shipping announcement in last week's Wailing List.

"I'm getting a lot of emails from customers about it. I'm forwarding them to you. Put down the Turpossum. You've got replies to start writing."

I turned, red-faced, and headed back towards my desk. Sure enough, there were already several dozen emails forwarded from him- all from customers who apparently had trouble comprehending instructions so simple that even Joe Walsh could follow them.

I have written so many individual replies that my fingers are starting to cramp. And they're still coming in- a week later- faster than I can reply to them. So I'm resorting to a mass mail- in order to educate the misinformed at the expense of the larger body of lucid customers who were able to decrypt my impossibly complex instructions...

If you want to enjoy this free shipping promotion, please follow the steps below:

1) Move to the United States, if you do not already live here. The code will only work for shipments to addresses in the United States. (And no, Mexico and Canada are NOT a part of the United States and despite the best efforts of David Rockefeller & Company they will not be consolidated into the North American Union until sometime AFTER this promotion is expired.)

2) Put at least $20 worth of Despair products into your shopping cart.

3) During Checkout, type in the coupon code "freeshipping" in the coupon code field. DO NOT USE QUOTES. DO NOT INSERT SPACES. DO NOT SPELL IT WITH ONE P.

4) Don't screw up steps 1, 2, or 3.
Yes, it really is that simple. The coupon code is valid until Friday at midnight (CST)- so you have more than enough opportunity to use it. Do not send me emails in December after it is no longer valid asking about whether or not, in this one special circumstance, we might somehow make an exception and allow you to travel back in time so that you can enjoy the free shipping promotion. It is forbidden.




Despair Illustrated

Because a picture says a thousand hurts.

Click here.




The Ironic Tee

The battle to create the most ironic tee is over. We won.

Click here.




Demotivator® Tees

Unleash the Power of Mediocrity. In style.

Click here.



Subtexts

Finally, a t-shirt with funny sayings on it.

Click here.



i > u

The Superiority Complex. Simplified.

Click here.



Wickedosity

Don't bother looking it up. I'm the definition.

Click here.




Despair, Inc. | 800 Interchange - Suite 102 | austin, tx | 78721


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