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WELCOME TO HOMEBODIES
October 24, 2006
Volume 7, Issue 41
Weekly encouragement and empowerment e-zine
for stay-at-home parents and working parents
considering the at-home lifestyle
Your Hostess - Cheryl Gochnauer, author of
"Stay-at-Home Handbook", "So You Want to Be a
Stay-at-Home Mom", "Mom to Mom" and founder of
http://www.homebodies.org
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THIS WEEK'S ARTICLES:
"So What Do You Do?" by Homebodies founder Cheryl Gochnauer
"Are THEY Ruining Your Finances?" by Homebodies columnist Jill Cooper,
co-founder of Living On a Dime (http://www.livingonadime.com)
"Money Talks" by Homebodies columnist Amy Bergin, founder of The Couponizer
(http://www.thecouponizer.com)
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SO WHAT DO YOU DO?
Excerpted from Cheryl’s “Stay-at-Home Handbook:
Advice on Parenting, Finances, Career &
Surviving Each Day” (InterVarsity Press, 2002)
By Cheryl Gochnauer
homebodies@comcast.net
Like most at-home parents, I haven’t had a bonbon since February, and the
only soaps I’ve watched were floating in my kids’ bubble baths.
So why do these myths about stay-at-home moms persist?
In a world that regularly spotlights and condemns prejudice, homemakers
continue to be targeted as less driven, less productive and less
intelligent.
“I have had several people say things like, ‘I guess it was too hard for you
to juggle work and kids’ or ‘Why would you give up a career for kids?’” says
Michele, a stay-at-home mom from Missouri. But a former employer was even
harsher. “’Well, I won't hire you back. If you quit to stay home and do
nothing, then why would I want you here?’ I was stunned by that,” Michelle
remembers. “I can't believe he thought taking care of my children was doing
nothing.”
Joan, whose son was about a year old at the time, was chatting with
neighbors at a block party. “Another neighbor, who knows me very well, and
his wife, ‘Susie-Q’, were talking to me about their kids, who were 1 and
2.5,” Joan says. “They were raving about their daycare center, and Mr.
Neighbor said, ‘You know, even if Susie-Q stayed home with the kids, I'd
really want to send Junior there a few days a week. He's already learned his
colors, and letters, and everything.’ As if a stay-at-home mom can't teach
those things even better one-on-one!”
Stories like these make me laugh, yell or cry, depending upon my mood. But
one thing remains consistent: Although my focus has changed, my basic
personality has not. No one can take away the education or experiences that
have molded me into the person I am today. I may wear jeans more often than
business suits, but don’t let the clothes fool you.
I WORK as an at-home parent, and I take my job very seriously.
Many at-home moms feel great about their decision to focus on family, until
they run into a carbon-copy of their former working self.
“So, what do you do?”
That simple question can set off a flurry of conflicting emotions. In an
attempt to validate their choice, some moms reach for lofty-sounding titles,
like domestic engineer. Others suddenly feel self-conscious and downplay
their role: “I’m just a housewife.” Unfortunately, no matter how they
answer, too many at-home mothers are rewarded with a blank look and change
of subject.
Racism is no longer tolerated. Diversity in a variety of areas is valued,
and even demanded. No one is looking to set women’s rights back 30 years.
But if we are going to promote diversity, let that openness extend to our
sisters who have chosen to nurture their children first, and their careers
second.
“In my social circle, it was not accepted for the wives to stay at home,”
says Lori. “It still isn’t accepted. So I changed circles.
“I love staying at home. My husband is a wonderful provider and is my
staunchest supporter. For me, coming home was the best thing I have ever
done. I thank God that He allowed me this great privilege and awesome honor,
even if the world doesn’t agree.”
“I’m starting on my fifth year as a stay-at-home mom, and I’ve come to
realize a few things,” observes Beverly, who has children in both elementary
school and college. “We still haven’t starved to death, we aren’t naked, and
we don’t live in a washing machine box on the side of the road because I
quit my job. In a lot of cases, off brands in food are just as good as the
more expensive brands.
“Since I have more time to spend with my kids, my 7-year-old can read beyond
the level of his peers. I’m able to go on all the school field trips, and I
can help in the classroom as much as I want, which helps me get in good with
the teachers. I’ve discovered my college-age child needs mom at home just as
much as a child in elementary school.”
And to top it off, Beverly says, “I’m not a non-productive member of
society.”
“Hey, here’s the reality,” Shauna asserts. “We ALL work. Some work in the
home full-time, some out of the home full-time, and some out of the home
part-time. I’ve done it all three ways; taught school full-time for 5 years,
part-time 1 year, and I’ve now been home full-time 2 years. The mix that
works for us as individuals and for our families is as unique as we are. We
should never make each other feel badly for making decisions for our own
families.”
Even as we anticipate the day when at-home mothers are valued as much as
other working women, let’s always remember that confidence begins within. If
you know you have made the right choice for you and your family, then it
doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or says. Whether confronted with a
bonbon-munching caricature or a census form that categorizes at-home mothers
as “non-working”, you know that you’re performing one of the most important
jobs in the world.
So the next time someone asks, “What do you do?” you can respond that you’re
working to make this world a better place, one life at a time.
Homebodies Hint: It can be easier to handle situations when we prepare for
them in advance. What will you say the next time someone asks, “So, what do
you do?”
*****
READERS: If you enjoyed this excerpt from my “Stay-at-Home Handbook: Advice
on Parenting, Finances, Career, Surviving Each Day & More” (InterVarsity
Press, 2002), here's a way you can help get the book into the hands of other
present and prospective at-home parents.
The next time you visit your local library, check to see if “Stay-at-Home
Handbook” is on the shelves. If not, simply ask the librarian to order a
copy. Librarians love buying books their patrons like, and there are lots of
moms who can't afford to buy their own copy, but who would appreciate being
able to check it out. It's a win-win situation for everyone.
Here's the ISBN, or order number, the librarian will need:
0-8308-2336-0. Got other favorite parenting books you'd like
to see on the shelves? Bring those to your librarian's attention, too!
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ARE “THEY” RUINING YOUR FINANCES?
Living on a Dime
By Jill Cooper
editor@livingonadime.com
Copyright 2006
They say that it is impossible for a family to live on one income. They say
you need a bigger house for the tax deduction. They say schools need to
budget for palm pilots for students, even though they can't afford to pay
the teachers. They say that you need a compact car because we're going to
run out of gas. They say you need a big SUV so you'll be safe on the road.
They say you need to be a vegetarian or you'll die. They say you should eat
a lot of meat so you'll lose weight or you'll die.
Over the centuries human beings have been compared to sheep over and over
again. I never cease to be amazed at how true that is. If one sheep decides
to head down a road that goes right over a cliff, they all follow. Even in
history when people march and demand the right to be individuals they still
always seem to dress and act alike. Remember the "flower children" of the
60's? Even with their "free to be me" attitude, they were horrified if a man
walked in with a suit and tie, since it was different from what they would
wear.
If children are doing drugs, drinking or just wearing strange outfits, they
justify it because "everyone is doing it". So often, the parents' response
is "If everyone jumps off a cliff that doesn't mean you should do it, too."
Is that the story we tell them with our actions? Kids are very shrewd and
have no tolerance for hypocrisy. We hurt our families and ourselves if we
blindly follow the crowd. "They" (I still haven't figured out who "they" are
but I don't think I like "them" or "their" ideas) have set a standard of
living that we must live by-- no matter what the cost.
"They" say you can't live on one income, so many moms who strongly feel that
it is best for their families if they stay home get jobs outside the house
because "they" say "you can't make it." Never mind that the extra expense of
child care, work clothes and (for many) "guilt offerings" purchased for
their kids often exceed the extra income. "They" say that's the way it's
supposed to be.
How many dads have become only figures the kids wave good-bye to in the
morning before heading off to two jobs because "they" say that is the world
in which we live. Too many people who do this find that later in life their
marriages are suffering, their kids are rebellious and resentful of their
absence and the employer for whom they've invested all their time
"providing" for the family lays them off.
"They" say you have to pay to send your children to college so they can
become a success and make a lot of money. When did "they" come up with the
idea that going to college makes a person successful? How many parents have
accrued $40,000 in debt for their son or daughter's degree, only to find the
student working in a field that has nothing to do with his degree?
Certainly, a college education can be a useful tool, but it is one that is
wasted if the student doesn't need it or fails to use it.
I find that the most successful human beings are those whose parents spent
time with them and had the time to teach them values, self confidence, self
reliance and love. You can always lose your stuff, but you can't lose your
values or the knowledge that your parents love you.
Stop basing your financial decisions on what "they" think you should be
doing. Financial worries are the biggest cause of stress for Americans,
leading to all sorts of physical and emotional problems. These worries are
almost always avoidable, but many choose the worries over the common sense.
The point of this story is not that you should never spend any money on
anything. The point is that it is important that you decide whether or not
spending your time or money some particular way is a good idea for your
family. Keep in mind that when "they" tell you you should do something,
"they" are often trying to sell you something you don't really need.
Whenever you find yourself reflecting on your life and you realize you are
doing something because "they" expect you to do it, tell "them" to butt out
of your life, decide yourself what is really best for you and your family
and do it!
*****
Jill Cooper is a frugal living expert and the co-editor of
http://www.LivingOnADime.com/ . As a single mother of two, Jill Cooper
started her own business without any capital and paid off $35,000 debt in 5
years on $1,000 a month income.
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MONEY TALKS
The Couponizer
By Amy Bergin
abergin@thecouponizer.com
Copyright 2006
Teaching kids about sensible spending can be simple, but for the lesson to
really stick, it requires discipline on the parents' part. We have to stand
firm when our children come to us, asking for more money. If we give in,
they won't learn the lesson.
Here are a few ideas that make money lessons simple and fun:
• Have kids cut out coupons. Coupons are a simple effective way for them to
get involved with planning shopping trips to the grocery store and shopping
for deals. Cutting them out is easy by following the dotted lines, and they
learn about prices and how much can be saved.
• Have an in-store treasure hunt. While in the grocery store, I give a
cereal coupon to my 6-year-old, and she looks for the specified product
among the hundreds of boxes on the shelves. She learns about looking for
items that are the best value.
• Have your children help shop for birthday presents. Buying birthday gifts
can be costly and a real battle in the store when your children want to buy
something too expensive. Talk to them about a reasonable amount of money to
spend on the gift. Show them the price tags so they can consider whether
it's a reasonable gift. When the numbers match, you know you have found the
perfect gift.
• Buy a gift card for your children to use when purchasing gifts for others.
Let them know the card's limit and help them make selections that will make
the card last the longest. Reward them when the card has been spent wisely.
When your children see you being careful with money, they will learn to be
careful as well. They are more likely to be careful with their own money
when the time comes, even if they don't appreciate the lesson's value until
they are on their own.
*****
Amy, mom of three, is the proud owner of a business centered around The
Couponizer, a product she developed based on her own coupon-organizing
system she used while shopping for her family. Amy launched her product on
QVC and was on the show, 2005 Decade of Discovery Product Search. She is
active in several local tennis associations and is a MOPS (Mothers of
Preschoolers) discussion group leader. She has also taught a class on
finances for couples. Contact her at abergin@thecouponizer.com.
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PUBLICATION INFORMATION
Copyright 2006 Cheryl Gochnauer. All rights reserved. For permission to
reprint an article, please write homebodies@comcast.net.
All articles are printed with the author's prior consent. It is assumed that
any questions, tips or replies to questions may be reprinted. All letters
become the property of Cheryl Gochnauer.
Cheryl Gochnauer does not assume responsibility for advice given. All
advice should be weighed against your own abilities and circumstances and
applied accordingly. It is up to the reader to determine if advice is safe
and suitable for their own situation.
Homebodies is a free weekly e-mail newsletter.
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